On today's pre-work stroll around the block, I passed a tall vicar walking on his own in the sunshine. He struck me as purposeful and assertive. My snap reaction was
subtle, but distinct. "Look at him in his black robes," I snarled to myself. And then, in a connection that was completely apparent to me in that moment (for, what else would black robes mean?)- "Who does he think he is? He must be completely proud." I walked passed, being careful not to make eye contact and feeling smug that I don't suffer from pride like him.My second reaction was more like "ahah!" because I realised I had fallen into a trap. It reminded me to apply an important concept I share with a lot of my clients:
What we see in others says nothing about them and everything about us.
When we judge others, we're not judging them, not really. How could we, when we often have no information about them? In the instance of my vicar - a complete stranger- I was reacting to something that I assumed about him that resonated with something inside me. It wasn't his pride I was picking up on, it was my own.
Check it out for yourself - why else could it be that some people really annoy you, when others around find the same person perfectly good company? No matter how much of a pain an individual may be, there's always someone who can see good in them.
Be careful, this could change your life. Because now, when you get frustrated at someone for being a control freak, you can instead investigate the way in which you're being a control freak at that moment. If you see someone as hogging a conversation, could it grate on you because there's a side of you who wants to be the one talking?
It's time to ask yourself a tough question: What does your idea of 'them' say about you? So you've always felt that your parents don't listen to you- when did you last give them a really good listening to? Is that senior person in your organisation intimidating you, or is it your insecurity that you need to deal with? Should the person with the loud laugh on the bus really shut up, or do you have something to understand and let out?
Putting it into action
1. Think of someone, or a group of people who you find frustrating. Write a list of all of the judgements you make about them. Don't hold back.
2. Take a good look at that list and circle all the ones you could possibly take responsibility for.
3. Absorb responsibility for these judgements. Notice the shift in your behaviour that happens if you then see them as your qualities, or your discomforts, rather than blaming the other person. Interesting?
4. Now take a look at any of the list that weren't circled. These are the judgements that probably cause you the reaction "No way. That's definitely her, not me." Fair enough, that might be part of the truth. And I also know from experience that the strongest adverse reaction in this exercise is often the one that is closest to your real behaviour. For the sake of argument, take this judgement upon yourself and accept, just for a few moments, that it's true. What is true about it? If you wrote "What frustrates me is that she's too old" and you're in your early twenties and feeling, it's clear that it's not being too old that's your problem. But perhaps you have a problem with the idea of getting old, or perhaps you're secretly uncomfortable about being too young. Investigate it.
5. Keep aware of your judgements and next time you judge a passing vicar, use it as a chance to learn something about yourself.
Sarah Lloyd-Hughes is a Life Coach whose techniques are influenced by Tibetan Buddhism. She specialises in helping people on their journey towards sustainable happiness. See here for more detail.
Further articles
Find out more about how coaching answers the tough questions
Happiness Exercise 1 : The "I Like" Page
A word from your saboteur
How dreams learn to fly
